MEET STEW
Some wish for money. Others wish for world peace. I was nine years old when I first wished for the answer to everything. I’ve spent an irresponsible amount of time trying to figure out how that wish would eventually manifest itself and from that curious process I have given birth to Stew.
Stew is a smart guy. Really smart. So smart that if you asked him any question regarding anything he could answer at the drop of a hat with 100% accuracy. Any question. Regarding anything. We are talking about an absolute monopoly of information. In fact, only Stew could truly measure the possibilities. Chuck Norris would report to Stew. Get it? Stew would be a big deal.
So in preparation for Stew’s arrival I began to gather my list of questions. The first time I started writing questions was mostly for laughs. Something along the lines of, “What the hell was David Chase trying to say at the end of the Sopranos?”, or, “Who is the greatest basketball player of all time?” I was obsessed with the idea of opinion based answers serving as cold hard fact just because Stew says so and Stew in 100% guaranteed to be infallible. Stew knows everything so I know everything.
Eventually the questions evolved along with my maturity, knowledge gained, life experiences, yada, yada, yada. Pro sports was yesterday’s news because the world had bigger and better things to offer. Things like religion, politics, sex, drugs, employment, education, celebrities, money, and the list goes on and on and on and on and on.
I believe that if you ask the question “Why?” enough times you will eventually end up at the most basic and honest building block of life. Truth. Stew was finally here to blow the fog away from all the important things that were being clouded right in front of my face. He was here to even the playing field against those fighting to protect the imbalance of the way information is gathered, stored, relayed, filtered, and distorted whether by accident, erosion by time, or malicious intent. If knowledge is power, then Stew is the emperor.
I’m a “TOP 5” kind of guy so I eventually tried to boil my plethora of questions down to just a few. My first draft looked a little something like this:
1.) What is the meaning of life?
2.) How did we get here?
3.) What happens when we die?
4.) Are we alone in the universe?
5.) What does our future look like?
I have to believe I would wipe my ass with any family using this list on an episode of Family Feud under the category, “Most Important Questions Ever”. Clichés all the way, these would be the first questions I would want answered with my brand new no nonsense truth telling machine. I assume my mind would be melted and my list of questions would exponentially grow. I would be all knowing and I could use the information to improve society and ensure the well-being of all those living on planet Earth. One tiny little problem. Stew isn’t real.
So I’m still holding out on finding a magic lamp at a yard sale or majestic whistle at a swap meet that would deliver Stew to me. However, until that time I figured I’d just stockpile the questions for when that day comes. Just imagine what we could do with all the answers we wanted.
A QUESTIONABLE THOUGHT PROCESS 